But first, here's a complete list of winners...

Best film: No Country For Old Men

Best direction: Joel and Ethan Coen, No Country For Old Men

Best actor: Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood

Best actress: Marion Cotillard, La Vie En Rose

Best supporting actor: Javier Bardem, No Country For Old Men

Best supporting actress: Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton

Best original screenplay: Juno

Best adapted screenplay: No Country For Old Men

Animated feature film: Ratatouille

Original song: Falling Slowly from Once

Original score: Atonement

Foreign language film: The Counterfeiters, Austria

Cinematography: There Will Be Blood

Costume design: Elizabeth: The Golden Age

Documentary feature: Taxi To The Dark Side

Documentary short: Freeheld

Make-up: La Vie En Rose

Visual effects: The Golden Compass

Art direction: Sweeney Todd

Sound editing: The Bourne Ultimatum

Sound mixing: The Bourne Ultimatum

Film editing: The Bourne Ultimatum

Live-action short film: Le Mozart Des Pickpockets

Animated short film: Peter & The Wolf

4.45am

It's a wrap! No Country For Old Men wins the Best Director award for Joel and Ethan Coen. Joel is "thrilled" and the pair only make it to the side of the stage before they're told the film also nabs the Best Motion Picture statuette. It's the biggest winner tonight with four Oscars – but, shock horror, The Bourne Ultimatum comes next with three wins. How did that happen? Well, at least Norbit didn't win anything. And with that nugget of information, the whole ceremony comes to an abrupt halt as an air of anti-climax hits Hollywood. Game over for another year... Now, where's the party at?

4.35am

Things are getting serious as the Best Actor award is announced. Johnny Depp is chewing gum, George Clooney doesn't know where to look and Viggo Mortensen is sporting a dodgy beard. Who wins? Good old Daniel Day-Lewis, who looks a bit Jack Sparrow tonight with some pirate-style earrings. Strange. He kisses Clooney before heading up to the stage to accept the award.

4.25am

The kooky and uber-cool Diablo Cody is presented the award for Best Screenplay by Indiana Jones himself, Harrison Ford. Awesome! Well done, Diablo – a Hollywood newcomer who's not afraid to get her tattoos out. Bet she gets drunk tonight.

4.15am

Atonement wins its first Academy Award, which is for Best Original Score. It's a crowd pleaser. Best Documentary Short goes to Freeheld. More tears. Taxi To The Dark Side wins Best Documentary Feature. No tears.

4.05am

Cameron Diaz smiles as she stumbles on her autocue speech to announce the Best Cinematrography. The Oscar goes to There Will Be Blood. Cameron nips off – probably to brush her hair.

4am

The show must be running under schedule because Best Song winner Marketa Irglova is allowed back on stage to say thank you. Cue worthy speech on independent music. The audience goes wild. Nice.

3.55am

The best moment yet! John Travolta and his spray-on hair waltzes on to the stage (no joke!) at the end of the Enchanted musical number. He's on stage to announce the Best Song, which goes to Falling Slowly from the movie Once, which is composed by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova. Big congrats to Dublin-born Glen. Bad luck to Marketa, who isn't allowed to say thanks. Her microphone is switched off and she's ushered off the stage.

3.50am

Time for another song and this time it's presented by Enchanted star Patrick Dempsey. It's a full-on Disney spectacle with dodgy Prince Charming costumes and bad wigs. Men shouldn't wear tights. Well, unless you're into that kind of thing.

3.45am

And the award for Best Foreign Language Film goes to The Counterfeiters. Applause. Speech. Next.

3.40am

Nicole Kidman presents an honorary award to 98-year-old production designer Robert Boyle, who is allowed to say the longest (and most boring) speech of the evening. Nicole smiles and it nearly breaks her forehead. Ouch.

3.30am

Renee Zellweger's eyes have disappeared. I'm surprised she can read the autocue. She awards The Bourne Ultimatum with its third Oscar of the evening, this time for Film Editing. Surely that's enough for Bourne now, right? Give someone else a chance.

3.25am

A husky Jack Nicholson swaps his sunnies for reading glasses to announce another short educational film. This time it's about all of the Best Film winners over the years. Honourable, but a little long. Is this another time filler? Perhaps they should've asked Miley Cyrus to sing a song or something to keep the interest up?

3.20am

Colin Farrell introduces another nominated song. This time it's Falling Slowly from Once. Simple, sweet and very effective. Perhaps the winner of the night? We'll have to wait and see...

3.15am

The first tears of the night. Marion Cotillard, who is speechless but still able to talk, triumphs with the Best Actress award. She's genuinely chuffed, which is sweet. Definitely the most sincere moment of the night so far.

3.10am

Forest Whitaker walks on stage to present the Best Actress award. Fingers crossed for Ellen Page.

3.05am

Superbad's Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill pretend to be Halle Berry and Judi Dench in a comedy stint. It's a shame they're not dressed up for the part, but they're still funny. Kind of. The Bourne Ultimatum wins awards for Sound Editing and Sound Mixing. Two awards? That's just selfish.

3am

The producers are hoping for a younger audience this year, which is why tween queen Miley Cyrus walks on stage. The 15-year-old singing actress does better than Katherine Heigl as she introduces another nominated song from the Disney hit, Enchanted. The dance troupe turn on the cheese for the cameras.

2.55am

Are the award speeches running too short? We've just had a 10-minute educational video on the voting process at the Academy. Dull. The highlight? They show Penelope Cruz's address on the envelope for her ballot paper. It's not her home address, but still. Why?

2.50am

Best Adapted Screenplay goes to the Coen brothers for No Country For Old Men. Well done, lads. They talk slowly and I don't quite catch their witty remarks – but the audience laps it up. Even the moody Cameron Diaz breaks into a smile. Well, for a second anyway.

2.45am

Jessica Alba. Wow. Bet she's gutted she didn't get to present anything decent. She announces the winners of the Technical Awards, which were handed out earlier in the week and then she walks off. She looks good, though.

2.40am

The Best Supporting Actress award goes to Tilda Swinton, who is pretty shocked when her name is announced. She explains her agent has the same buttocks as the Oscar statue, so she's giving her award to him. What a waste.

2.35am

Am I the only person in the world who doesn't find Jerry Seinfeld funny? His Bee Movie character Barry Benson announces the award for the Best Animated Short Film and he's funnier than usual, but not as funny as John Travolta's hair, which is awesome. Peter & The Wolf wins the award, which is great for us Brits as the director Suzie Templeton is a Hampshire girl. Well done.

2.30am

Owen Wilson's nose presents the next award, for Best Short Film. Le Mozarts Des Pickpockets wins. I've not seen it but it looks good.

2.25am

Another musical interlude. This time it's the gospel track Raise It Up from the movie August Rush. Nice. The 11-year-old singer wows the crowds, although Cameron Diaz doesn't look too impressed. Rudeness. Was that a yawn, Cameron?

2.15am

It's time for the Best Supporting Actor to be awarded and it's presented by the first non-size zero of the evening, Jennifer Hudson. Go Jennifer! Javier Bardem wins and he thanks his mum in Spanish. Bless.

2.10am

Cate Blanchett awards the Art Direction Oscar to Sweeney Todd – and Johnny Depp looks well happy in his Ronnie Corbett glasses as he claps away in the audience. Vanessa Paradis looks amazing sitting next to him.

2.05am

Wow. Duane 'The Rock' Johnson has spray-on hair just like John Travolta. Is this a new trend in Hollywood? Maybe he should have a word about wigs with the Visual Effects Academy Award winners from The Golden Compass, to whom he has just presented an award ? I feel sorry for the Transformers crew. They should've won. Robots are way cooler than Nicole Kidman.

2am

Amy Adams sings a soppy song from Enchanted, which is up for Best Song Oscar. She looks like Isla Fisher. Where's Borat when you need him?

1.55am

Anne Hathaway and Steve Carell award the Best Animated Oscar to Brad Bird for Ratatouille. Well deserved, but the music cuts off his speech. Nice. Katherine Heigl is nervous and shaky as she presents the award for Best Achievement in Make-up. Wait a minute... Norbit was actually up for an Oscar? Shocker. What's that all about? Thankfully, La Vie En Rose wins.

1.50am

A slick George Clooney praises the Academy and a nifty montage feature celebrates 80 years of Oscars to the tune of, erm, Celine Dion. Schmalzy, but expected really. Pass the sick bag.

1.45am

Jennifer Garner's appearance on stage marks the end of Jon Stewart's opening act, which is a welcome relief. She awards the first Oscar of the evening to Alexandra Byrne, who has won the Costume Design Academy Award for her work on Elizabeth: The Golden Age. A nice short speech means we can move on swiftly.

1.35am

Here we go! Presenter Jon Stewart's first joke is well received and we've already had a glimpse of John Travolta's dodgy hair. Not a bad start to the night. It's all a bit sincere, but hopefully everyone will loosen up a bit as the show moves forward. Bring on the awards...